Goane Places

The original intent of Goane Places was to document the places we would go for God as a Christian couple. We had both come into the marriage with a Mess-turned-Message story. Together, we thought we could be a force to be reckoned with.

Before I could get the website live, tremendous amounts of trauma and tragedy came and I was too afraid/embarrassed to share the truth. Our truth was ugly and filled with many separations due to relapses, rehab, and recovery. With a little bit of rest here and there. The website sat and the story paused. When you are constantly staring at a sad ending, it’s hard to believe there is a story worth telling.

Last month, I threw the towel in…again. I have quit so many times over the last 12 years that I can no longer use my fingers to keep count. I’m sure the courthouse clerks chuckle when I walk in.

Did you know that you can keep divorce papers on file for 3 years each time you file?

But, every time I’ve gone in to end the marriage, something has stopped me and I leave still married.

I have good reason to quit. There is no argument there. Scott and I would both agree with you. We have hurt one another tremendously and it would seem the easiest thing to do would be to walk away.

But.

God said, “Learn to Love.”

Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Because of that, we have believed there are more reasons to keep going.

Addiction. Disloyalty. Lies. Abandonment. I grew up very familiar with all of these things so, you’d think I’d have a good grip on how to deal with them.

But, I don’t. I thought I did. But, I was dead wrong.

I actually do a terrible job at managing these issues “I’ll leave you before you leave me” has been my thinking. But, then the moment I leave, I regret it and become pathetic and needy. It’s an ugly, ugly cycle. I am just beginning to realize how much that must affect my loved ones. If you loved me enough, you’d deal with it and ‘make’ me stay.

I hope you can hear the irony in my tone.

God goes where we invite Him. How else would He be able to pull us out of these self-induced pits in life?

A thing happened several weeks ago that has taken me a bit by surprise and I’m hoping it will be as life-changing as I think it’s going to be.

God removed paralyzing fear from my life. I’ve never known what it was like to not wear the heavy garment of fear. As I grew, it grew to fit me.

Now before you get all excited, know that Fear was pissed off about leaving and he was not about to let go without trying a new strategy. This round, rather than take Scott out with a relapse, he went for my jugular and Scott left ME when he was stone-cold sober.

I don’t know how to live with a sober spouse and Satan knows that. So, he gave me a sober husband with boundaries and an opinion that I didn’t agree with… and BOOM, our world got rocked. Add to the mix an issue that gets me heated and that is Scott having success of any kind, the success that he has not yet earned back. I had decided somewhere along the way that that was mine to determine because he owes me. But, Sober Scott wasn’t having any of that. In short, our sober strong-willed personalities sparred and I won. He moved out immediately, at my request.

Where is my trophy? (Again with the irony.)

Why am I writing about all this now you may ask?

Because if the last thing I do as a Goane is to start shining light on the insanity of the family addiction cycle, then let’s go. I believe with all my heart that we win when we speak the truth and this subject is no different.

In looking back on the past couple of months, I see how deeply I have been impacted by living around addiction. It divides families. Even those who stay together get divided into the category of Addict and Codependent. We have separate recovery groups. He is called the Addict and I am called the Normie.

I want to blur that divisionary line.

Families need recovery too. Families need to be understood and invited into the healing process as well. I would like to be so bold to say that it needs to be a requirement in recovery institutions. Otherwise, we may not know that we truly need it.

And, we stay on our side.

Without any recovery of our own, we create our own coping mechanisms. We struggle alone with mental health issues. We are lonely as we wait for our family members to return to us. We are angry that you don’t know any of this. We compartmentalize a lot to be the strong ones, to keep it all moving forward. A person can only go so long before the compartments implode, leaving a path of destruction in the wake.

We take hit after hit and walk around like we have no scars.

Taking the insanity from the dark corners of my mind and into the bright lights of this online space is my way of waving the surrender flag of Addiction’s family dysfunction. I can’t hold this myself any longer. I need help. I need support. I need to let light in. And some words out.

Scott has returned home and here I am going to unknown places by going nowhere. I am going to sit right here in the pit of powerlessness and see what message God reveals. I’m not going to plan out my predicted plot twists. I’m just going to travel along and document as I go.

Maybe it is a crazy story idea… but I believe it will be a worthwhile read in the end.

My name is Michele and I no longer know how to live with an addict husband. I also do not know how to live with a sober husband.

Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.