This Crazy Little Thing.

I don’t know where I heard this, but it struck me in my soul.

“get educated, addiction…it’s about managing pain and shame…”

Pain can be motivating though, can’t it?

I woke up this morning feeling intense pain in my neck and shoulders. I am not sure I even slept last night. I had a dental procedure a few weeks ago which resulted in a severe TMJ flare-up. Which ripple-effected into the neck/shoulder injury from a car accident several years ago. Pain meds and muscle relaxers have lost their effect.

My first words this morning were not praise and glory to God. I was angry, tired, frustrated, and fed up. Oftentimes when I get to this point, I’m reminded of others who are suffering worse than I am and it humbles me and I become grateful. But, not this morning. I emptied my dark heart with f-bombs and not-so-nice self-talk. Ironically, allowing this brought me down a beautiful new path through the darkness and into the light.

It was 4 am as I stood in the steaming hot shower willing the pain away. Praying through silent screams and hot anger. When it didn’t go away, it became clear that I’d have to learn how to manage it. Fully aware at this point that the pain in my neck was also resonating darkness deep within my heart. I had to take some sort of action. I got dressed and went for an early morning walk to talk it out with God… myself…or whoever was listening.

The morning darkness gave reflection to exactly how I was feeling. I knew the light would eventually appear but I wanted to linger in the darkness.

Being an overthinker, I am not sure exactly how the thought process started, but most likely it began with the impending-on-hold-for-now divorce that Scott and I are dealing with. It probably started something like this…we have never lacked affection, it’s just that addictions have weighed us down. Like I said, I don’t know how it started exactly, I just know that I heard the words, love addiction. These words stand out because I hate those words. Generally, I quickly push them away. They are crazy words and don’t even make sense to me. How can one be addicted to the thing that the Bible defines as the greatest of all? Aren’t we called to love one another? And not just love one another— but love one another deeply. But, what about me? The one who is supposed to love me deeply, let me down. Haven’t they all let me down? Despite the self-pity somehow asking these questions birthed a strong sense of discovery.

So, I googled it from my phone.

Love addiction is a complex and often misunderstood phenomenon. It goes beyond the realms of ordinary infatuation, as those afflicted with this addictive behavior find themselves constantly chasing the elusive high of being in love. It's an insatiable craving for the intoxicating rush, which can lead to a relentless pursuit of romantic relationships, even at the cost of one's well-being. Love addicts may constantly jump from one relationship to another, seeking validation and avoiding the discomfort of being alone. This addiction can be emotionally draining, as it feeds off a deep fear of abandonment and an insatiable need for attention. Love addiction, like any addiction, requires self-reflection, therapy, and support to break the cycle and find healthier ways to connect and love oneself.

I’ve spent so many years being angry at Scott because he is the one whom I’ve relied on for love, for approval, for trust. And before his addictions broke those things, it was a different husband … or a different addict who didn’t fill the role. Before husbands, friends…and before friends…well, It could go way back, all the way to my parents. Maybe even God Himself. But, worse yet, the finger seemed to be pointing at me.

…find healthier ways to connect and love oneself.

Self-love sounds so — selfish. I’m more comfortable being selfless. But, is it really selfish? What about self-trust? Is that something I need to start paying attention to as well?

So, how do I learn to heal myself? To love myself. And the bigger question … how do I do these things as a selfless Christian?

Unmanaged shame had covered up all the questions that seemed to be flowing out of me as the sky turned from dark to a subtle purple.

I’m not here with answers. I’m here with a shiny light looking at the questions. Asking them, in case I am not the only one.

Love addiction has kept me isolated, indecisive, and desperate for approval. Recently, I put our pending divorce on hold because I recognized the need for more time. I wasn’t sure what exactly I needed time for, but I think it might be to learn how to define true love. I need time to figure out this crazy little thing called love. What if the love we know is the problem? But, what if true love is the answer? The healthy kind. What is the healthy kind? What if light (our voices) breaking into darkness unveils a God-like love that heals us individually …and together? That is worth figuring out. I don’t know for sure, but to me, it seems worth the pause.

All I know this morning is that I am pulling back the shame and screaming at the pain.