Chapter Six

Abiding

Today was a fun day laced with comical moments. I battled a southern bug while driving down the highway, and witnessed a shirtless 18-wheel truck driver flying down the highway at 80mph, performing his own rendition of a Metallica concert, his steering wheel his drums, I stopped at a convenience store and saw the sign posted on their front door telling us all to please not carry guns inside…(is that really necessary?) and a funny comedian on the radio kept me laughing out loud for several miles.

All this was intertwined with the anticipation of exiting the I-40. I have felt so safe on the road.

Also, My dad was on my heart the past couple of days, but especially today. It’s been quite an emotional healing process with some things I hadn’t realized concerning him. He’s been gone for 11 years and when he died, a kajillion began to come alive, all of which I had pushed back down. On the open road, I processed through decades’-worth of not feeling protected and of not being taught by him. I grieved the desire of wanting to be led better. Even though I fought it, I craved having someone to follow. I had always wanted him to be stronger than my weaknesses that were hidden under my rejecting spirit. I have been very angry that he died in his addiction. I have grappled with this letdown in life and today, I came out the other side of it all and remembered how he also gave me many loves and passions in life.

Being on the open road, I feel as if I am living the legacy he left for me. I look like him. I act like him. He was an artist and a road traveler. He was comical. He wore his emotions on his sleeve. He loved deeply. He was impulsive and had good intentions, but was so often ill-equipped to do life properly. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and I embraced that he is a huge part of who I am.

Just seeing the 18-wheelers made me cry…several times a day. The trucks are symbolic of Dad.

When I was 37 I decided to run a marathon. The day I decided to run I called him and said that I needed him to be at the finish line to cheer me through. He said he wouldn’t miss it for the world. He was my biggest fan when I ran track in middle school. He danced like a fool as I would cross the finish line of even a mile race….and I wanted that again. I envisioned him at the end of the race, jumping and calling my name, celebrating with me. He died halfway through my training and I almost didn’t run the race but someone told me that he would not only be at the finish line but to envision him running with me. I only made it to the halfway mark of the marathon due to injuring my knee, but he was with me as I ran through the half-marathon ribbon. We may not have made it 26 miles, but we did well.

Today as I came close to the finish line of this race over the I-40, I got pretty nervous. I was fearful of being back in the real world, having been so immersed in the presence of Christ for 4 days I really didn’t want to exit the actual highway. I wanted to stay on it forever. I feel as if I’ve been in a God Bubble. I knew the time was approaching and that I needed to finish the race, but I wanted my daddy to be there, cheering me on.

I cried it all out and remembered that I needed to abide in God because He is with me and He cheers me on. There was a sting in that thought for a moment. I know my dad’s physical being. I can remember him. I can see him cheering me on. I cannot see God. How is that supposed to be enough? Something about letting the question form felt good and a sense of peace came over me.

Abide in me and I will abide in you.

The realization of this truth was experienced at that moment. Ask and ye shall receive. Is it okay to ask questions like this? Is it normal to feel intense peace and intense grief at the same exact moment? I decided to just linger in the questioning. I didn’t need the answer. Maybe that was freedom of its own kind.

A sunray poked through the clouds at just that moment, its beam lit up the 18-wheeler in front of me. And led me toward the quickly approaching exit.

“Well, what’s next, God?”. Within seconds the heart clouds appeared above me and my phone dinged with a text from Rhonda. It was a meme of a teacher writing on a chalkboard. It said, “The mother’s heart is the child’s schoolroom.” and God is always telling me to find my mother’s heart. So, I guess that’s what’s next 

How Great is our God.